It’s only September and I’m freaking out. This coming home to an empty apartment is really getting to me. I miss Mina so much right now. She has started her new school and I’m too far away to be a part of it. At all. When I talked to her yesterday, she had started her first handwork class – something I dearly love – and I’m not there to see what she’s doing, to hear about her day, to help her with her homework, to have our evening banter over dinner. By the time she gets home from school, I am already in class and when I get home, she is already in bed. I get about 10 minutes to talk to her on the phone on my half-hour dinner break while I try to get food and still have enough time to eat. This is SO hard! And I still have three and a half months to go…
I’ve been in this serious funk for days now. Five days now to be exact. I don’t know what is up other than absolute loneliness. I am one of those people who, although I love (need) to have time alone, I also love to be around the folks that I cherish. A lot. One of my bff’s came to town for a wedding this past weekend – I saw her for a few hours Friday night, she spent the night and left super early the next day. She’s in the middle of hiking the Appalachian Trail with her 12-year-old daughter and is gone until early November. In many ways it’s good that I am here and having to make my own way, as I’ve said before, but damn…
So that’s where I am. I know this time will go quickly. I know I’m where I should be. I know Mina and I will be alright. But tonight it just all hurts.
I bought new shoes yesterday. They’re made by Jeep. Jeep! How weird is that? The brand is J-41 and there’s tons of cool styles. And I love them, they’re very cute, but I made the mistake of wearing them today for my long day. Ugh. Now my feet are mad at me. Go figure.
I’m in it today. I’ve gotten there again. that self worth shit come to bite me in the ass. i don’t know where it’s all from, or what really triggered it – i can pinpoint a few things – and what to do with it, ugh. sit with it and reap what i can from it’s lessons. i’ll come back up. i always do. but today it sucks.
… I’d make weekends longer.
Mina and I had a wonderful trip to Yosemite this past weekend. I have to say though, it wasn’t nearly long enough!
After moving at nearly a snail’s pace, we finally got out of the city around noonish. Here’s the route you take if going from the northern part of the Bay Area…
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If you don’t stop in Marin to drop off your dog, make another stop at the grocery because you need fruit and bagels, stop in Tracy to get a toilet plunger and a coffee (don’t ask), and one last stop in Oakdale to top off your tank, it only takes about 4 hours. Once you are through Tracy, it really is a beautiful drive. And I love to drive. Give me snacks and some singin’ music and I’ll drive all night.
We got there in time for the birthday party (my good friend P’s 50th!), and in plenty of time to hide when they broke out the karaoke mics. The food was wonderful, the wine was even better, and the company… well, that couldn’t be beat. Many of the women there were part of the birth community that I worked with for so many years. They all had their spouses and piles of children running everywhere. It was a blast.
So that night, Mina and I shared a room with my friend S and her daughter, C. (I have never stayed in a room there – only camped) They gave us the bed next to the door and window. One of the things that YNP is adamant about is proper food storage because there are many bears there. So you have to either take all of your food out of your car and put it into lockers or keep it in your room. And I mean EVERYTHING – water bottles, anything that even remotely looks like food. So we did and it was all up on the top of the dresser right next to my head. Somewhere around 4 AM, S wakes up and loudly says “WHAT IS THAT SOUND???” And being dog tired and the middle of the night, I go “It’s probably a mouse”, roll back over and try to go back to sleep. There had been this very loud crinkling sound coming from right next to my head and I had incorporated it into my dream. (I’ve spent way too much time in the woods so those sounds barely phase me). S freaks out, jumps up and turns on the light. Sure enough, there was a bag of sunflower seeds that some little critter had been chewing through. So to make everyone happy, we had to gather all the food up and put it in the shower stall. Well, I guess the critter wasn’t so happy… No more critter was heard. But S was convinced it was a bear trying to get in the window. It was too funny and I laughed about it throughout the next day.
Anyway, Mina and I spend Sunday walking around, visiting the Ansel Adams gallery (he’s one of my very favorite photographers), and lounging by the Merced River. The evening was spent with the whole crew, watching sunset at Glacier Point. GP is about an hour from the valley floor, where you can look down onto most of the valley, over Half Dome and into the peaks of the Sierra Nevadas. It was amazing. In all the years I have been going to YNP, I have never been to GP.
P was so touched that we all made the trek up there to be with her on her birthday and everyone had a wonderful time. We all left on Monday afternoon, wishing we had another week.
Here are the promised pictures! Enjoy (and go visit!)
I want to update. Really I do. School started on the 4th and I am so busy! I promise to post an update soon so in the meantime, here’s what I’ll be learning tomorrow in school (sans the knife)
It finally hit me last night. All that has gone on in the last several weeks. All the travel. All the transition. All the packing, and lifting, and organizing. All the disorganization. Readjusting to life in the city. The volume. The smells. The chaos. Returning to school. Studying. Buses. Bart. Taxis.
After a beautiful walk (where I had a great discussion with a street artist) I came home to an empty apartment last night. Something I normally don’t mind but last night it didn’t bode well. Ok, not quite empty as the woolly mammoth was full of squeals and wiggles. But I realized how I am starving for some connection. Starving. One of those evening of laughter and intense conversation. I think I sometimes take for granted that I usually have that at my fingertips. But not right now. West Coast best friend hiking the AT until October. Daughter in Galapagos. SIL in Hawaii. Other good friend in MA. Ugh.
So I made myself get out of bed this morning (after reading vampire novels until almost 4!), walked the dog, got dim sum, bought flowers for my empty vase, and drank a big cup of green tea while taking inventory of my current blessings. The fog is just starting to burn off and allow the sun to flow in my window. I’m breathing deeply and taking it all in. The change and transition is all good and I’m excited to see what’s next.
This cracked me up (thanks Mom!):
I’m here. Arrived last Wednesday and it’s been a whirlwind ever since. Last night I finally laid down on my bed to check email – 85 unread emails. Whew.
Things are finally getting a little settled. Dishes are unpacked (although that is about it!) and I’m finding my way around the neighborhood. Within a two block radius, there’s Dim Sum, about 4 great Thai restaurants (one that’s open till 3 am!), and countless Indian/Pakistani (one that’s open 24 hours!) and one of my favorite restaurants of all time – Millennium. Ah… And there’s lots of yelling on the streets and sirens and traffic noises. All of which I’m not used to at all, nor is my darling woolly mammoth.
The dear dog would not pee on the leash or the street for days. Well, she still won’t but we found a little spot to let her off the leash so that’s been settled. She’s spent her whole life in rural Arizona, rarely having to be on a leash and running free. I think she misses her dog friends and her wild life. But she’s adjusting.
So it’s all going and I’m excited to be here. I’ve met great people and am looking forward to what this new sequel has to offer. Here are a few pics that my friend took while he was here:
After so many days of packing and driving:
Looking downtown from the fire escape: