I’m supposed to be in NY right now for my graduate program. I’m not. I’m sitting at home, on the same couch I’ve been on for the past three weeks. I’m better today but I’ve spent the last few days being pissed off at myself.

Saturday morning I was to fly to Philly. When I arrived at the Phoenix airport 90 minutes before my flight, I found a huge line to check bags… From one end of the ticket floor to the other, three people deep. It was insane. I have never seen it like this in the four years I’ve been traveling though that airport. Needless to say, I missed my flight. There were discussions with the ticket agents, and a lot of searching to get me on a new flight – *anywhere* close to NY. I won’t bore you with the gory details but it came down to no go with out a large fee, adding more fees onto car rentals, etc. So I left the ticket counter, sat on the floor and had a little breakdown, then returned to my car and came home. The universal forces were at work and how could I argue?

I thought I was ok with it all. And then it all sunk in. It has to do with a 15-letter dirty word that I struggle with – procrastination. I started that talk with my inner critic… if I had not stopped to… if I had only did X instead of Y last night… and the list went on. What is happening that I can’t seem to get myself motivated or seem to find anything else to do other that I should be doing?

And it gets into deeper issues than just that. The one of not taking care of myself as well as I should – the not eating or eating things that aren’t necessarily what I should, the not exercising and giving up my asana practice, the smoking, the self-doubt and loathing, the boxes of unfinished projects, and the list goes on but the worst one is not making art. And it all seems to be a chicken or an egg thing.

I realized yesterday that I have become, to some extent, one of those people that I swore I would never become. The ones who stop doing the things that bring them bliss in exchange for the things that are easier or more comfortable or what might bring them financial security. I’m not saying that any of these things are bad within themselves, but when they are substituted for things that drive your passion, that’s where it becomes a problem. At least for me. At what point did this happen?

I could chalk it up to parenthood – to the desire to build a better life for my daughter than I lived. Putting my passions on hold till she is grown. But that is a cop out. Because one of the things that I find most important to teach her is to be her own person and find the life that makes you sing, not to be someone who is solely concerned with status and material possessions. I’m still looking for it and sometimes the process is uncomfortable.

When I spoke about this to a friend yesterday, what he heard was my concern of what others would think of me. The fact that work has just given me three weeks leave to finish my coursework only to not make it to the course. And the loser lecture I got from my ex about the fact that I even missed my plane in the first place. At what point do I stop worrying what people think, especially those who have an outsider, judgmental view? Uh, now. So he sent me this quote from Leonard Cohen “failing or betraying some mission you were mandated to fulfill and being unable to fulfill it and then coming to understand that the real mandate was not to fulfill it but to stand guiltless in the predicament in which you found yourself.” And I think that’s what much of this boils down to, guilt. So how do you stand guiltless in this predicament?

There’s not much else to write about at the moment. I’ve settled into the truths that are present. I’m getting work done that needs to be completed. I’m home with my dog. Why fight the universe?

xo,

r

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